So I wrote an episode of Black Mirror for you. (Or maybe more like Goosebumps.) A woman on the verge of 30 wakes up every morning and swipes some eyeshadow across her lids from a palette she bought from a fortune teller in a boxcar on 14th Street. But the thing is, whichever color she chooses—and this is a BIG palette—transforms her into the embodiment of the color’s name. Liar, an all-purpose dusty rose, gets her arrested for perjury and sent to federal prison in Pensacola. Sauced, a light sienna red-brown ends in a suburban Starbucks, which she’s drunkenly crashed her Honda CRV into at 3 AM. Powdery white “Ounce” well…these things write themselves, really.
Because these things, these pricey magnetic plastic containers of glittery dust, hold a whole range of human emotion. Who am I? Am I ready-for-anything Naked2 or down-to-fuck-with-euphemisms Naked3? Am I sweet and punny Chocolate Bar? Can I identify at all with the vivid reds of velvet-wrapped Modern Renaissance? Am I cool (and rich) enough for Mothership IV? If you’ve ever tried to find yourself in a palette and gotten lost, let us help you find the one, for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.
For the Reliable Narrator
Nothing says nothing like 12 shades of rose gold. Every time the Everlane newsletter hits your inbox, your heart skips a beat. We hold these truths to be self-evident: pink is a neutral, wedges deserve a comeback. Hobbies include: hating things silently, tequila sodas, and sleeping in until 8 on the weekends. You feel a little dirty every time you use Trick and haven’t been out late enough to try out Darkside but you’re happy to have the option. Urban Decay’s Naked3 is there for you, like a lightweight cardigan on the back of your office chair.
For the 600-Page Fantasy Novel Reader
Every shade of your medieval dreams is here—from shimmery gold Primavera to deep magenta Love Letter, which would match your silken faire robes perfectly. You’ll consider naming your next cat son Realgar after the highly pigmented brick orange. A Knight’s Tale plays in the background (because it’s always on TBS), the smell of turkey legs is in the air, and Anastasia’s Modern Renaissance is better than any fortune told in a humid tent.
For the Sweetest Tooth
You are TOO sweet, person who always brings mini cupcakes on your coworker’s birthdays, even though Karen can’t have sugar and nobody sings anymore. This delicious brown-ie palette literally contains cocoa powder, and therefore smells like Nesquick in a pleasant, sort of confusing way. When the waiter asks if you’d like to see the dessert menu, wave him away—just send one of each, my good man! Your dentist has given up. Too Faced’s Chocolate Bar never melts. Semi-sweet is your all-over-lid shadow, like a Trader Joe’s dark chocolate peanut butter cup in your purse pocket.
For the Up-All-Night Karaoke Slayer
Remember when people thought leather leggings were for night time only? You certainly don’t. The last time you wore clothes to bed was 2005. You have a vast collection of incense that you burn according to your mood, which ranges from burning passion to burning rage. It’s amazing the place hasn’t burned down, tbh. Urban Decay’s Naked Heat embodies your soul just as Doc Martens do. You wear Ember to karaoke and Scorched to church, because you might see that hot priest at either. Nothing has stopped you from speeding through a yellow light, which is how you got known as the Squirrel Killer.
For the Unboxing Video Addict
You have “internet” friends and a trigger-finger for all things pre-order, limited-edition, and exclusive partnerships. Sometimes you sit back and wonder: Where is all the good lighting? Concentrated pigments are as important to you as arriving everywhere precisely 12 minutes late. NARSissist Wanted will satisfy for needs. Sometimes you post photographs of your face on Instagram. Sometimes you confess into the camera late at night things people will never hear. You don’t post those.
For the Contour Queen
When it came to coloring within the lines, you did that and then some—you were boldly outlining and shading with the white crayon at an 8th grade level while still in velcro shoes. With Kat Von D’s Shade + Light, your face has so much dimension that people get lost in it, like the Matrix. You’ve used the word “chiseling” when referring to putting makeup on, it’s sort of intense but what was Michelangelo doing up in that ceiling? Coloring muscular angel thighs by numbers? IT’S ART. God, Lindsey Vonn could ski down the slopes of your cheekbones!
For the Person Who Put the Extra In Extraterrestrial
You’ve gone into minor credit card debt in the name of style, for which I applaud you because what is money for if not for spending? Life is short, drink and smoke and dip pizza in ranch dressing you beautiful nincompoop! Pat McGrath Labs’s Mothership IV will indulge your jewel-toned cravings for “sensuously smooth pigments” that turn your eyelids into stained glass windows into the soul, or at least the corneas. I’m not saying I’ve seen a UFO, but I’ve seen this palette IRL and felt things. It will beam you up to a higher plane—just look at Pat McGrath and tell me her talent is of this earth.
For the Social Media Vacationer
Like ignoring the fella on the plane using your arm rest, you will politely disregard the uncomfy Arabian-nights theme of Huda Beauty’s Desert Dusk in exchange for the 18 colors of varying texture and deep shades of sunset emoji. You’re beloved by all of your friends for consistently liking every single ‘gram they post, even sometimes double-tapping the white screen before the photo loads. You have nothing but love to give, and there’s something to be said about that—even if it’s for Instagram celebrities you’ve never met. Blendability matters to you, though you never want to blend in. Shine on. Or matte on. Or glitter on. There’s a lot going on here.