It’s not that I’m ever not in the mood to watch a rom com, particularly on cable, particularly with commercial breaks. It’s just that this past month, I’ve had an insatiable need for them. It’s no thanks to my mom, who turned me on to the Rewatchables podcast (a show devoted to dissecting the movies you’ve seen a gazillion times). First came the episode about You’ve Got Mail. Then I listened to the one about 10 Things I Hate About You… Next thing you know, I’m knee-deep in the greatest Sorkin hits of the ‘90s (not all rom coms, but we’ll get to that) and my boyfriend hasn’t seen me outside of my apartment in a week. I’m having a great time! Thank you, Bill Simmons!
There are a few correct ways to enjoy a rom com you know so well that you can recite pages of dialogue from it. The obvious way is on TNT on Sunday evening when you’re scrounging together a dinner made of leftovers and half-heartedly scrolling through the Real Real all at once. The other way is with beauty products. Why? Because this is Into The Gloss and if that wasn’t one of the answers, we’d have no story. Let me create the content I want to see in the world, alright? Alright. As follows are a few unnecessary pairings for when it’s a beautiful day outside, you’ve got a free 90 minutes, and you’re looking to blow $3.99 on Amazon Prime Video and stay holed up in your room.
When Harry Met Sally, with Baby Foot
Ah, the original long-con. Meet a girl, neg her for 15 years, get in a big fight, and live happily ever after. (Rewatching feel-good films from the 20th century always requires a little suspension of modern day feminism, and I’m fine with that for the purposes of this exercise.) Sitting through the whole story will run you about 96 minutes, but years in emotional fatigue. Such an endeavor calls for another long-con: Baby Foot. Use it during the movie and watch your foot molt for days (weeks) after the fact. The combination of glycolic, salicylic, and lactic acids with fruit enzymes and alcohol gradually infiltrate your dead foot skin and suggest that it GTFO. Do it when your roommate is on vacation. A necessity or overkill, depending on your perspective. Same goes for the movie, I guess.
Meryl Streep does not need plastic surgery. Meryl Streep does not need anything! She is perfect. But in what is perhaps her Magnum Opus performance (Sophie’s Choice can suck it), Meryl sneaks into a plastic surgeon’s office to inquire about a teeny, tiny, little eye lift procedure. Commemorate this excellent moment, along with the part when Steve Martin and Meryl get high before going to a graduation party, while wearing Dr. Dennis Gross’ Futura-themed LED eye mask, meant to build collagen in your eye area non-invasively. Looks cool, too.
A teen movie calls for a product all hormonal teens (and hormonal adults!) can benefit from. Not that the angelic faces of Julia Stiles or Heath Ledger needed any acne treatment here. But if you occasionally play host to a cystic zit that could make good use of its own area code, please watch this movie to relieve tension and apply a thick glob of this yellow sulfur goo to relieve the redness and pain that comes with having a pimple the size of Tacoma. Conveniently enough, that’s where this movie was filmed.
Sure, there are plenty of other rom coms that could be on this list. But I am all too aware that many of you are not familiar with this Sorkin gem from 1995 about a widower president who falls in love with a lobbyist that in turn sets up many of the personality tics later seen on seven seasons of the West Wing. So please take this time to find it on your preferred streaming network and queue it up. It is excellent. And not only because Annette Bening sports some very short, very red hair that really suits her. It brings to mind Christophe Robin’s Shade Variation Care Mask in Chic Copper, with which you can thickly coat your hair for some subtle color-boosting in a non-permanent way. Just don’t lie down, lest you stain your couch or anything around it in the process.
The best (the best!!!) for last. You could, in theory, do every single one of these treatments in the two hours it takes you to get through Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks’ second on-screen romance. But you’ll want to focus on Nora and Delia Ephron’s dialogue instead. In keeping with the instant messaging theme, spend one minute brightening, smoothing, and tightening skin with Ren’s Flash Facial while you trudge through the awfully long intro credits. Then it’s all dreamy Upper West Side tracking shots and The Cranberries songs for 119 minutes straight.
What else pairs well? Wine and trash. Click here.