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Relying on others to raise your kids

Relying on others to raise your kids

The life of a modern-day parent is very challenging, especially when both parents are working.

Parents have little choice but to leave their child in the care of a third party, i.e. grandparents, a babysitter or daycare.


Consultant developmental and general paediatrician Dr Raja Juanita Raja Lope acknowledges that grandparents play a special role in every family.

They dote on their grandkids and sometimes let them get away with more than they should.

However, problems may appear when grandparenting interferes with parenting.

Tips to bridge the gap:

• Communicate clearly: Clarify your expectations and let grandparents know how they can help. This allows them to feel important and included.

Include them when discussing activities you want your child to take up, as grandparents may be the ones fetching your child to and fro.

• Handle disagreements firmly but politely: Be mindful of your tone of voice and highlight that while their advice is valued, you would appreciate them deferring to your decision.

• Include them: Grandparents may understand or agree with modern parenting styles and medical advice.

Sway them to your side by involving them with parenting classes, seminars and visits to your child’s paediatrician.

These expose them to new information and can provide answers to any questions they may have.

• Stay positive: Avoid assuming the worst each time you feel that the grandparents are stepping on your toes.

They mean well, so take their comments or feedback positively.

“Just like any other relationship, you will have to work at it.

“However, if all fails, be prepared to find an alternative caregiver who will follow your parenting style, should the grandparents continue to refuse to accept your way of doing things,” advises Dr Raja Juanita.

Choose the right daycare

Parenting, raising children, babysitter, childcare, daycare centre, Star2.com

Take the time to personally check that the daycare centre’s cleanliness, practices and child management style/policy are in line with your expectations.

Consultant developmental paediatrician Dr Rajini Sarvananthan highlights three essential things if you intend to send your child to a child- or daycare centre:

1. The presence of a caregiver who can provide both care and guidance.

2. The centre should be a safe environment for your child.

3. There should be suitable activities available to help with your child’s mental, physical, social and emotional growth.

Take the time to personally check that the centre’s cleanliness, practices and child management style/policy are in line with your expectations.

“Find out how many children are at the centre and how many staff are on hand. This will give you a good indication of whether your child will receive sufficient individual attention,” advises Dr Rajini.

Other factors to check include:

• Is the centre licensed or registered with the Department of Social Welfare (JKM)?

• Can you drop by to see your child at any time?

• Do they screen visitors by checking their ID and with the parents?

• What happens if you need to pick up your child late?

• What are the qualifications (training and experience) of the staff and have they attended the Kursus Asas Asuhan Kanak-kanak (mandatory for JKM approval)?

• In case of emergencies, what action will they take? Is the staff trained in first aid?

• Is the centre child-proofed?

• Is the outdoor play area safe?

• What happens when a child is ill?

• What sort of food do they serve and how many meals are served (e.g. only breakfast, mid-morning snack & lunch)?

• For school-going kids, will the centre provide meals?

• Are they able to cater to allergies, religious/cultural restrictions and special diets?

“If you have other questions, write them down and take notes; this will help you decide between different centres.

“Bear in mind that daycare centres do not absolve you of your responsibility – you should always keep tabs on what is happening to ensure your child’s safety,” cautions Dr Rajini.

Full-time help

Parenting, raising children, babysitter, childcare, daycare centre, Star2.com

Clarify your expectations and let grandparents know how they can help with caring for your child.

Consultant clinical psychologist Loh Sit Fong brought up the option of employing a full-time caregiver (e.g. kakak, bibik, nanny or full-time babysitter).

However, she cautioned that there are drawbacks, such as:

• Your child may become closer to the hired help than to you.

• Abuse may occur (e.g. physical abuse, such as hitting a baby who cries a lot).

To minimise these problems, Loh suggests:

• Check the credentials or experience of your kakak or bibik before hiring her.

• Spend quantity and quality time with your child. Do not rely exclusively on the kakak or bibik.

• Treat the kakak or bibik as an extended family member with respect. This will help her maintain good mental health and serve as a good example for your child to learn how to respect others.

• Brief the kakak or bibik beforehand so she knows what to do if baby cries or fusses excessively.

Prepare a checklist of what to do and a list of emergency contact numbers.

If you suspect that she is abusing your baby, consider placing surveillance cameras in the house.

There are numerous pros and cons associated with each of these choices. However, do not take things for granted. The responsibility of raising your child lies with you and parental involvement will always be required.

This article is courtesy of the Malaysian Paediatric Association’s Positive Parenting programme in collaboration with expert partners. For further information, please e-mail starhealth@thestar.com.my or visit www.mypositiveparenting.org. The information provided is for educational and communication purposes only and it should not be construed as personal medical advice. Information published in this article is not intended to replace, supplant or augment a consultation with a health professional regarding the reader’s own medical care. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, functionality, usefulness or other assurances as to the content appearing in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses, damage to property or personal injury suffered directly or indirectly from reliance on such information.

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